Lonely and bad day

Today isn't a good day.  It's been building over the past few days but today I've hit my frustration and crying wall.  Elsa has been so fussy the last few days, much more than usual.  And she doesn't want to be set down much at all, so when she's awake I don't get a break and she's fussy a lot even when I'm holding or carrying her.  I don't know if she's just in a phase, or if we've spoiled her too much, or if it's just me who is just more affected by it this week for some reason.  Today though I'm just so unhappy and crying a lot and feeling sad and guilty and really, really lonely.  And depressed.  I hope that by getting this out, and also by crying, that tomorrow is a better day. 

I'm also tired I know.  Last night Elsa had the worst sleep she's had in weeks.  Usually now she sleeps between 5 and 7 hours at night.  Last night it was hard getting her to sleep, she slept only about 3 hours and then woke me sometime between 2 and 2:30.  I was so tired and at some point when putting her to sleep I fell asleep in the chair with her, then when I woke back up somehow she also woke up so I fed her again, long story short, I got her back in bed at 4:30.  Then at 5:30 she was again fussing and waking me up.  I kept giving her her paci to try to get her back to sleep, eventually I got up and tried doing bicycles to get out gas but none came out, then I tried the paci again and was in and out of sleep myself, then I fed her and I think she slept for an hour after that and woke again, I know I fed her again and changed her diaper again at some point but it's all like a blur because I was so tired.  We eventually got up at 10 after she slept again for a little bit. 

Today she has had a couple longer sleeps which have been good for me, but somehow haven't improved my spirits.  I'm still feeling so frustrated and sad.  And when she's awake she's been largely fussy.  She has diaper rash so I've changed her a lot, and she even took a little nap on her change table without her diaper on cause I read awhile back that letting them air out helps with diaper rash.  I don't know if that's why she's fussy - I think maybe sometimes it is, but it's not the only thing.

A girl who I've listened to on the radio for a few years - Teresa Strasser - talked awhile ago when she first had her little boy about how being a new mom was both so exhilarating and so boring at the same time.  She also talked about how sometimes she had really bad days and didn't love being a mom, and how saying that is almost sacrilegious cause we're all supposed to love being moms.  I wouldn't say so much that I'm bored but that I'm lonely.  I miss not having any new mom friends or anything to do or anyone to talk to.  So I just sit in the house alone with Elsa most days, or go out to the stores with her and she sleeps the whole time, but then I'm alone, too.  I love when Jody comes home cause I have someone to be with, but I also am starting to feel boring because I have nothing to talk about.  I'm so boring now.  So I'm lonely, I'm frustrated right now with Elsa being so fussy, I feel so boring, I feel frustrated with not being able to even do lots of stuff here like clean and cook and do a bunch of personal things I want to do.  I'm not saying I'm unhappy most of the time or all of the time.  Many days I'm so happy and love just being with Elsa and interacting with her and holding her.  But right now I'm just at a low point.

I've been looking today for classes or groups to go to.  I want to have one or two things each week that I do with Elsa, so I get out of the house and more importantly, am able to be around and interacting with other moms.  I'd love to make some close friends because I also have been thinking over the past few days how I don't have many close friends.  Winnipeg is such a small-feeling city so everyone seems to know each other, and I sort of know many people but am only close with a small number.  Which is mostly my own fault, and also part of moving to a new city.  Anyway though, I would love to make some new friends.

Tonight Jody came home and I told him I was having a bad day, and he said he could tell on the phone just from my voice.  He told me that tonight I should figure out what goes into me pumping and storing a bottle so he could feed Elsa and give me a break.  He said he could take Elsa out to the store with him and give me time to sleep or have alone time.  He's brought this up a few times before, and I've even always said that at two months I'd start doing that, so he could feed her once a day and I could get a break.  Of course, Elsa is now 11 weeks tomorrow so I didn't exactly do that at 2 months. 

I know this is a good idea.  Everything I read says it's a good idea.  I need a break.  It takes some of the pressure off of me.  It lets me be free a little.  I so understand all the rationale, and logically it makes so much sense.  But emotionally it makes me feel terrible.  I think somehow it makes me feel like I won't be needed if I pump.  Or that I'll lose some bond with Elsa.  Or that maybe she'll like drinking from a bottle more than my boob and suddenly I'll lose the wonderful experience of breastfeeding my daughter.  Anyway, just the idea of pumping and handing over a bottle makes me cry a lot.  It's something I've been putting off and putting off and really don't want to do.  So I don't know if I'll do it or not right now.  I'll tell Jody all I just wrote and he'll of course see it from the practical side and we'll see if he can make me feel better and convince me to do it now, or whether I'll put it off for longer.

Things I would like to happen:
1) For Elsa to stop being so fussy and go back to being more happy and calm (since I don't know why she is being more fussy, I don't know when this will happen).
2) For me to get back to my normal state of happiness (I think this will happen pretty quickly, I'm just having a low point).
3) To find a couple groups/classes for us to go to (I've just posted on facebook about this and emailed once place so far).
4) To start getting Elsa and I on a routine.  I need to read more about how to do this.  But I'd like to start waking up at the same time every day so I feel more organized and in control of our days.  And then I need to read on how to start teaching her to have regular naps and then a regular bedtime.  She still has a couple weeks before she's 3 months old, but I think at 3 months I want to start sleep training her.  Well I say that now, because I know it's the right thing to do.  But I know it will be so hard on me so I'm nervous, and I'll really miss just letting her fall asleep in my arms whenever she wants to - I can't even express how much I love having her sleep on me.  But at 3 months we'll start because otherwise we'll be teaching her bad habits and we'll have a problem sleeper on our hands.

I made my list of resolutions today.  They've all been in my head but I hadn't concretely written them down in one place.  Here are some of them:
- make more friends/become friends with acquaintances
- entertain more - I want to invite people over more, for dinner or little visits or whatever, and feel good about it and not pre-assume that they wouldn't be interested in coming
- get a real hairstyle/good haircut - I'm acquaintances through a good friend with a guy who owns a salon - I've emailed my friend for the guy's email so I can schedule a consult to talk about what can be done to give me a good style that I'll be happy with and feel good about and that will look good and be easy to do
- dress more stylishly - 2011 will be the year I get a few really good outfits.  But not until I lose the baby weight.  So I'm thinking in March or April I'll go shopping.
- master 10-15 good recipes - I've started looking a lot at the Pioneer Woman's recipe part of her blog, I'll start trying some of those this month and keep trying, and find some that are easy to do and that I like and put those all in my easy-to-access recipe book.  I'll try one next week to get me started!
- cook 3 times/week - whether simple things or cool recipes from the Pioneer Woman, I would like to at least have dinner ready 3 times per week (and make larger portions so we have leftovers)
- get a schedule/routine going - I will start this next Monday.  I'll start getting up at 8 every morning.  We'll see if I move that earlier or later based on Elsa, but right now 8 a.m. sounds like a good goal and if I need to, I'll nap during the day. 
- have a date night once a month at least - this doesn't mean without Elsa, it just means that Jody and I plan in advance to do something different, whatever that may be
- go to mommy/baby classes once a week - I'm working on that.  And it's a good time to look cause I think lots of classes will be starting in January!  I'm going to sign up for something hopefully tomorrow, but at least by Monday I want to be signed up for something.

That's all for now.  I feel better having gotten this all out.  I don't like being frustrated and not completely happy with mommyhood, but it's not all perfect.  Most of my unhappiness is due to me - to not being proactive enough, to not getting out and doing stuff, to not having a routine, and largely just to being emotional this week.  And hopefully by me taking care of those things, Elsa will be happier and get over her recent fussiness.  I still don't know about the pumping thing but at least I feel like I have a plan for going forward, and that will hopefully help me wake up feeling better tomorrow.

I don't have a new photo ready so this will be my one and only post with no photo, but I'll post more photos soon, I have so many new cute ones to show of my little baby love.  :)

Baby Smell

Just a quick post!  Our Christmas was so wonderful!!!  I absolutely loved being with my parents!  I loved seeing them with Elsa and it was so special, and I was so happy the whole time!!  Elsa was an amazing traveler, too!  She slept the whole time - I'd feed her when we were taking off and then she'd fall right asleep, I couldn't have asked for a better traveling baby!

The day after we got back (last Wednesday), Elsa had her first set of vaccinations.  She cried so hard, it was heartbreaking.  :(  She even had a couple tears run down her face.  :(  I took a photo of her all bundled up in the carseat and with very red eyes from crying, I need to download my recent cards.  She had a very small fever - 99 degrees - sometimes over the next few days and I gave her baby tylenol, and she was fussier than normal as well.  I think she's back to normal now though so I'm happy about that!

Oh - over Christmas Elsa started trying to find her thumb!!  She'd be chewing and chewing on her left hand, sticking her whole fist in her mouth and often her thumb and first finger, it was so cute!  Over the past couple days she's also been doing it with her right hand as well, and today I saw her have just the thumb of her left hand in her mouth a couple times - but then she sticks it so far back that she starts gagging, silly girl!  I'm so proud of her for finding her thumb though, and it will come in handy for self-soothing when she doesn't have paci, too! 

Oh and she can also now hold her little head up so well!  When I'm walking around with her up on my shoulder I don't have to hold her head anymore or keep my hand right behind it!  And when she's sitting straight up on my lap I don't have to hold her head either!  Yay Elsa!!!  :)

So I have to comment on her smell because I can't get enough of it!  When we got off the airplane and I handed her to my mom, she said right away, "she smells like baby!" and then I started really noticing and paying attention to it.  She smells so perfect and that baby smell of hers is just beyond describable.  I love it so much!  Often when she's sleeping in my arms I look down at her and also lean a little closer now and then to smell her perfect scent.  Oh I love it, I wish I could somehow keep a sample of it.  I can video her and take thousands of photos of her to remember things, and write things down, but I can't keep a reminder of her perfect baby smell.  So hence my at least writing about it so I can remember how I felt about her smell at least. 

I've narrowed down the Christmas photos but haven't yet done little edits or resized them, so for now here's a couple photos from December 21, a day before she was 2 months old.

Ha!!!  So funny!!!  :)